Young man went into a drug store and asked to speak to a male employee.
“Sir, I am going to my prom tomorrow night, and I am hoping that my date and I will get very romantic afterwards. I need to purchase a pack of rubbers, but don’t know anything about them. Can you help?”
The male employee smiles, pats the young man on the back, and shows him their selection.
“Any of these will do. Just read the directions on the back. I might recommend that you use this product. It is colorful, lubed, has ribs and is rated four stars by Consumer Report. The good news is that it is on sale. Only 4.95 plus tax.”
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer and bought his dream bike with a 1200cc engine. He immediately put on his mirrored glasses, black leather gloves, white tee-shirt and jeans (I guess this was in the 70's) and started to cruise around town looking for someone to race. But it started to get dark, and as he was about to make a right turn at a traffic light and go home, a guy on a moped pulls right up next to him. The driver could not be more of a nerd - thick glasses, pimples, pant suspenders and a bow tie! Johnny thought "Well, I wanted more of a challenge, but lets see how badly I can leave this guy in the dust!"
So the light turns green and Johnny nails it! First gear.....second gear....third gear.....Johnny hit 60mph in 3 seconds flat! A smile came over Johnny's face as he thought about all the smoke the moped guy must be choking on. Then suddenly, something went flashing by him.....johnny squinted and then shock came over his face - it was the moped! Johnny was like, wait...mopeds have a governor on them so they can only do 30mph tops....WTF? So, johnny punched it down into second gear and throttled it up! He passed the moped with dazzling speed. And just as johnny was saying to himself "yeah, I showed him!", the moped passed him again at like twice the speed of Johnny! Johnny now became furious and opened it up all the way - his face looked like he was pulling 5g's as he passed the moped once again. But, sure enough, two seconds later the moped whizzes by him again, as if Johnny was standing still!!!
Well, Johnny got so upset, that he pulled over and started to kick his new bike, yelling "you piece of junk...I can't believe I spent all that money on you and you can't even beat a stupid moped!" A few seconds later the guy on the moped pulls up and says "I'm glad you finally stopped because my suspenders were caught on the back of your bike!"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'