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Job Description

Someone once asked me, "What do you do now that you are retired?"

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Then he asked, "What do you mean by that?"

I explained,
"My wife has told me that when she wants my F&%$ing advice, she'll ask me for it."
 

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There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,

and the other one was known as Sister Logical ( SL ) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!
 

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FYI The 12 Days of Christmas begin on Christmas ending January 5th.
 

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For you bacon lovers out there...

View attachment 429575
Bourbon Bacon Brittle

Ingredients
1/2 c. (1 stick) butter, plus more for pan
1 lb. bacon, cooked and crumbled
1 3/4 c. sugar
1/2 c. light corn syrup
1/2 c. water
Flaky sea salt
1 c. toasted pecans, chopped
2 tbsp. bourbon
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1 1/2 tsp. baking soda


Directions

Line a large baking sheet with foil and grease with butter.
In a medium saucepan over medium-high heat, combine sugar, corn syrup and water. Cook, stirring occasionally, until a candy thermometer reaches 260°, about 10 minutes.
Remove from heat and add butter and a large pinch of salt. Stir once then return over medium-high heat and cook, without stirring, until the syrup turns golden and the thermometer reaches 285°, about 5 more minutes. Add bacon, vanilla, bourbon, and baking soda. (It will foam!) Cook, stirring occasionally, until the mixture turns a deeper golden and the thermometer registers 300°.
Immediately pour the mixture onto prepared baking sheet, tilting and spreading the mixture into a thin layer. Let cool completely before breaking into pieces.
 

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