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Discussion Starter #1
When I got up this morning it was still cold (what kind of knucklehead gets up while it's still dark?), my foot ached (crushed under a farm tractor when I was 17), my back ached (broke it & slipped disks in work accident 19 years ago), nose hurt (broke once by baseball & once when Mrs Injunbro dreamed someone was stealing her purse), knuckles hurt (you don't wanna know). Went to the shop to do a few chin-ups to get blood flowing & saw a knife project I'd started & tinkered w/ it until I heard Mrs I say "Why are you making another knife? You have more than you'll ever use now!" So I went & looked @ my favorite forum & saw I'm @ 1,000 posts & decided I needed to do something a little differant. Anyone who wants a hillbilly-half-breed knife hand forged from a horse hoof file & bone handle tell a story or joke or something. I'll mail it to the one who makes the grumpy old Injun laugh (or cry) the best in the next few days. Tried to post a picture but my slow computer ain't helping me any.
 

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pm on the way.
 

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I'll give it a shot,

Two old men were,,,, oooh, not that one
Three old women,,, nope, not that one
geez,,
His & Hers Diaries

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

My Motorcycle wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
 

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Ok,

Here's the story of Brandon and the bass. My nephew Brandon is a good egg, he's 19 now, but a few years ago when we were fishing on a stream, Brandon got attacked by a bass. Brandon only took to the outdoors a few years ago, so he is kind of a novice in the scheme of things.
Well Brandon caught himself a smallmouth bass, not real big but good enough for eating. Now, we were fishing on a stream, and we didn't have a bucket. It was all rocks so there was no place to stake a stringer or anything to tie it to. Well, Brandon being ever inventive, tied the stringer to his leg. Now, keep in mind, my nephew is about 5'9 and near 280 pounds, (built like me). But Brandon never dresses for the occasion so he was wearing sneakers that he never could tie up properly. Brandon was fishing and his foot slipped, and in he went, butt first, into about 2 feet of water. He was ok, and when my wife asked him what happened. Now Brandon has never been one for logic and reason, and he hates admitting he's wrong. So he told us, and he wasn't kidding, that the bass tied to his leg pulled and caused him to fall. Keep in mind, a 280 pound kid vs a 2 pound bass.
So in the spirit of things, I made up a Wanted Poster for Brandon of Bennie the Bass, Wanted for Murder for trying to drown Brandon. He still has that wanted poster somewhere.

You should have seen him the first time I took him hunting and he got skid marks in his shorts from the chipmunk that snuck up on him. I love him, but boy he seems to have a hard time in the woods.

Then there was the time one of our guys in camp shot a small black bear. He didn't want to, but it came running full speed into a deer call and he had to shoot it to keep from being hit by a 90 pound bear. Well, that was the only thing shot that day, and since it was deer camp, the members got to drinking. Well, somehow or another, that bear got pulled inside and invited to play a game of cards. Myself, being the only sober one since I don't drink, got nominated to take the picture. We kept adding to the bear's wardrobe, until finally we had glasses, a hat, and a smoke holding some cards. Yes ladies the stories you hear at deer camp are true. I will get that picture out so that you will know I ain't fibbing. Thank God that no one was sober enough to drag that bear to the outhouse, because I didn't want to get kicked out when somebody at 2 am opened the door and saw that bear staring back at them.

See, I wasn't kidding. No that's no me in the photo, that's John the Bearkiller, and John isn't really that sober. What happens at camp, stays at camp.

 

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Discussion Starter #6
Mick, your wife ain't related to mine is she?
David, I got a nephew like that too but scrawny. He had a girlfriend who looked like the one Johns cuddled up to.
 

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Okay, my Neice walked into my Brother in Laws' living room last night and said," Dad, I want you to rent out my room, give all my clothes and furniture to charity, quit paying for my Cell-phone, I-pod, car insurance, cut off my allowance, and kick me out of the house."

What she actually said was, "Dad, this is my new Boyfriend Mohammad."
 

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'bro,

True story told by Dad and his brother Wilson, we always called him by the name "Fat" (whole 'nuther story), anyway sometime in the early '30's in rural Lincoln County, Tn, Fat was walking down the dirt road with a cane pole. As he passed my Dad, Dad asked, "Where ya goin'".
"Fishin", replied Fat.
"Got worms?", asked Dad, to which Fat replied, "Yep, but I'm goin', anyway".

Mike
 

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding hard after some outlaws. They caught up to them in Tombstone, lassoed them, and handed them off to the sheriff.

Now, that kind of activity works up a sweat, so they hitched their horses and walked into the saloon for a couple of glasses of sarsaparilla. Just as they barkeep turned and walked away, this old cowboy walks in and says 'Who owns the paint out here?? He looks like he is awfully hot'.

Well, Tonto and the Lone Ranger walk out and sure enough, Scout was really hot. 'Hmm... quimo sabe,' Tonto grunted. 'Need to get horse out of sun, but drinks are ordered. Would not be fair to walk away now. What we do.'

The Lone Ranger thought for a moment. 'We need a way to cool him down. Why don't you run around him flapping your bedroll for awhile. I'll go in and drink mine, pay the barkeep, then come back out and do the same while you go in. Then we can get him down to the stables'.

'Sound good to me quimo sabe'.

So the Lone Ranger goes back inside. Just as he sits down, another old cowboy comes running.

'Whoever owns the paint out there, you left your injun runnin'
 

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Ok ... one more ....

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out in the desert one night. They had gone to sleep, when Tonto suddenly woke up.

'Hey ... quimo sabe', he said and shook the Lone Ranger.

'What's wrong Tonto'.

'Couldn't sleep. Look up, what do you see.'

The Lone ranger stirred, wiped his eyes and looked up. 'Mesquite tree branches mostly', he said.

"Yes .. me see that too. But what else".

The Lone ranger looked again, a little longer. "Well, the moon is up, and it sure is pretty tonight."

"Yes .. me see that too ... but what else!!" Tonto said a little more urgently.

Now the Lone Ranger is getting a bit irritated. "Well, the stars at night, are big and bright Tonto!" he says a little louder.

"Yes .. me see all that ... but what does it all mean!!!" Tonto said, getting even more excited.

"Well .. I guess if one looks at all of that, one realizes how small and insignificant one is in the scope of things. The beauty of nature and the size of this world all pale by comparison of the beauty and majesty of the sky, and you and I are just dust specks in all of this wonder."

'No you idiot', Tonto yells back. 'Someone stole our tent!!!'
 
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Since you are going down that road...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding out in the desert. The Lone Ranger gets off his horse to ....a hhhh, go number one. (That works). Before the Lone Ranger finishes, a rattler bites him on his number one. Screaming in agony, he tells Tonto to go back to the nearest town and get a doctor.

So Tonto about kills his horse getting back to town. He tracks down the doctor and tells him what happened and that the doctor needs to come save the Lone Ranger. Well, the doctor was a busy man but said all Tonto had to do was go back, suck out the poison, and his best friend would be okay.

Tonto thinks on this as he gently walks his horse back to the Lone Ranger. When he finally reaches the Lone Ranger, the masked man is laid out still in severe pain. He asks Tonot "Where is the doctor? Why didn't you bring him back?"

Tonto said, "Doctor said he was busy, but no use to come anyway. Youv'e had it. You going to die."
:mrgreen:
 
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Back in the days when I was a kid, there was no TV, and one of the main entertainment events on the plains was the traveling carnival or small circus, one of which featured a ventriloquist. During the day, for a bit of fun Ed the ventriloquist walked over to the Injun Village to have a bit of fun.

He introduces himself to the local chief as Dr Doolittle, the man who speaks to the animals.
Chief says “Animal no talk”.
Ed says “Sure they do, and walks over to the cow and asks “How are you today?”, to which the cow voice comes back “Fine and yourself?”.


ED- How is life here with the Injuns, and the cow says that things are pretty good, that she is milked on time and well fed so all is well.

Chief says ugghh

Ed says- Now I will speak to your horse

Chief says ugghh Horse no talk.

When asked the horse says that life is good, that Injuns love their horses and treat them well!

Chief says ugghh

Ed says now I will talk to the sheep!

Chief says Sheep lie!

Willie
 

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Boudreaux enters Thibodeaux's barbershop for a shave.

While Thibodeaux is foaming him up, Boudreaux mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

Thibodeaux said, "Mais, I'm got just the ting", taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place dis between your cheek and gum."

Boudreaux places the ball in his mouth, and Thibodeaux proceeds with the closest shave Boudreaux has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, Boudreaux asks, "Thib, what if I swallow dis ball?"

"No problem," says Thibodeaux. "Jus do like everyone else. Bring it back tomorrow!"
 

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The HIGH Cost of Medical Work

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Seems a lady came into the vet's clinic with a very limp duck in her arms. She showed it to the vet and asked what was the matter with her pet duck.

The Vet replied, M'am your duck is dead.

Oh No, said the lady, she must be in a coma or something. Can't you do something else?

So; the vet went into the back room and came out with a black lab retriever. He told the lab to check out the duck. The dog pushed it with its nose, smelled it, etc. shook it's head saying..Duck is Dead.

Again the woman was terribly upset. saying...DO SOMETHING ELSE!

So, again the vet went into the back room and came out with a cat. He put the cat on the table with the duck and the cat promptly pawed at the duck and bit it and jumped down. An indication Duck is Dead.

The woman, almost beside her self said well I guess that is it. What is the bill for your services.

The vet left and came back in a few moments with a bill for $350.00.

WOW! Exclaimed the woman. You are charging me $350.00 to tell me my duck is dead.

Yes, said the vet. It was a simple $50.00 visit until .................................we did the lab report and the cat scan.
:shock:
 

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This link will suffice. I just posted it a couple minutes ago. I hope it'll count.
Please throw my name into the hat

viewtopic.php?f=46&t=14628
Gregory
 
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"Dad, do you think that the American Indians were superior to
the white men who took this land from them?" asked the young boy.
"You bet," replied the father. "When the Indians were the sole
occupants of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no
centralized government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs,
no banks, no stock markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did
all the work. What could be more superior to that?"
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Greg, I explained that to Mrs Injunbro when we got married & her Dad, who wanted someone to go fishing with, agreed it is the way things should be. However I learned that having the votes on your side doesn't always mean you get any say so. I even tried to explain as a Halfbreed and reasonable man I'd be glad to settle for spending only half of the time hunting, fishing, etc..... well, lets just say she can be awfuly narrow minded sometimes.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Nothing yet today? Maybe I need to prime the pump.

A cowboy is sitting @ the bar when this cute young lady comes & sits down next to him.
"Are you a real cowboy?" she asks.
"Well, ma'm I work on the ranch all day fixing fences, herding cattle, pulling calves... I guess I'm a real cowboy. What are you?"
"I'm a lesbein." She replied.
"A what?" he asked.
"A lesbein, no matter what do, all day I think about women, all night I dream about them."
The cowboy sat there for a while thinking about that & she left & a couple of old folks came & sat down next to him.
"Are you a real cowboy?" the old lady asked.
"Well, ma'm I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbein!"
 

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Discussion Starter #20
This one was told by a relative who really is a cowboy.
Q: What do you call a cowboy who's allergic to wool?
A: A virgin
 
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