It's finally Friday , need a laugh ?
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Thread: It's finally Friday , need a laugh ?

  1. #1
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    It's finally Friday , need a laugh ?

    This Day in History

    1801 - The electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr was broken by
    the House of Representatives who elected Jefferson president.

    1817 - Baltimore became the first U.S. city lit by gas.

    1996 - Chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, winning the six-game match.



    Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s office recently reported that it gets around 1.5 million calls
    from constituents per day, but most of them are just people asking him to push up his glasses.



    The funniest place to be on Valentine’s Day is the drugstore checkout line at around 7 p.m. The only
    place you’ll see desperation like that is at a casino in Vegas, standing in line for the ATM.



    ABC just announced that Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old attorney, will be the first African-American
    to star as “The Bachelorette.” Even more impressive, she’s the first bachelorette with a real job!



    A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural
    problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them, members of Congress was like,
    “Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to it.”




    Modern Tools

    Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies.
    Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

    Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the
    $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

    Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000.
    Contains twice the vodka.

    Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw
    down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

    Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

    Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing
    you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

    Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

    Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.

    Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's
    nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

    Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

    Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.


    Regards
    George
    First line of defense , my faithful Pit - don't mess with Mr. Kane !

    Lovin' it here in N. Ga - I wasn't born here , but I got here as fast as I could .

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    "If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under"..........Ronald Reagan

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    Dear flABBY, I need your advice as I have met the man of my dreams. We were meant for each other and our Love is growing stronger every day,

    Our relationship is based on trust and honesty. flAbby, my father is in prison for life, my mother runs a whore house and my brother is a drug dealer.
    I love my new man very much so..flAbby should I tell my fiance about my other brother who owns a gun store & voted for Trump?
    I desperately need your advice, Yers truly WTFTD?
    Trebor, msharley, charles and 8 others like this.
    Shoot straight, Pardner!

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    dox
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    msharley, charles, jeepnut and 7 others like this.
    Guy

    S&WCA #2629 | Ex-Navy Vietnam Vet. / Submariner | NRA Member | S&W Historical Foundation


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    I'm Mr Bad Example, take a look at me.

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    "Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000.
    Contains twice the vodka. "

    I thought it also had a shot of Milk of Magnesia to calm the bile from having to pay $1000 to cover your screwup! Hence the "Phillips" in the name!
    I have many fine personality traits, or as my psychiatrist calls them, "symptoms".

    Any government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take everything you have.--- Thomas Jefferson

    911 Response time: 600 seconds-plus. 1911 response time: 900 feet per second.

    US Navy, Vietnam Vet, NRA Life Member, Hook'em Horns!


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    Quote Originally Posted by Oldgungeezer View Post
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    That may be like Snow White's sister Egg White, both are pretty good yolks!
    Having a gun in your hand is much more effective than having the entire police department on the phone.


 

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