It's wacky Wednesday , how about a joke ?
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Thread: It's wacky Wednesday , how about a joke ?

  1. #1
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    It's wacky Wednesday , how about a joke ?

    This Day in History

    1964 - The first government report regarding the dangers of cigarette smoking
    was issued by the U.S. Surgeon General, Luther Terry.

    1973 - Baseball's American League adopted the "designated hitter" rule which
    allowed another player to bat for the pitcher.

    2002 - The first al-Qaeda prisoners arrive at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.



    Life is stressful: You’ve got bills to pay, loved ones to care for (of the two-legged and four-legged variety),
    a home to maintain, plus possibly a paying job on top of that... you know the rest. In fact, according to the
    most recent Stress in America Survey by the American Psychological Association, women report an average
    stress level of 5.3 out of 10—and Gen X and Millennials overall have average stress levels between 5.8 and 6 .
    Boomers are 4.3 on average .


    I believe that currently my stress level is between 1.5 and 1.6 .



    Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his Defense Secretary pick,
    James "Mad Dog" Mattis. You know you’re in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog
    is telling you to take it down a notch.



    Later this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans.
    The vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder,
    "Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan?"



    On Friday, the director of national intelligence released a report that found that
    Putin ordered the effort to undermine faith in the election and help Trump.

    Apparently, after Russia was embarrassed by the Olympic doping scandal,
    Putin wanted to discredit the image of the United States and cast it as hypocritical.

    Hey, Putin, we don't need any help looking hypocritical. Okay? We're the country
    that invented both chili cheese fries and open heart surgery. We got this one.




    The lady complained to her husband, "Why don't you buy me a fur coat? I'm always so very, very cold!"

    "If you already knew the answer," he replied, "then why did you ask me the question?"




    An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

    As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

    The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
    "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."




    A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.
    The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain
    seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is
    designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
    Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

    The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay
    afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!"

    "Of course I heard you," the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly,
    and look how good that one worked out!!"




    It seems that a young couple had just got married and spent their wedding night
    with the young man's parents.

    In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the
    bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.
    After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother
    said "I wonder why they never came down to eat."

    The groom's young brother said "Mommy, I think..."

    "Oh shut up I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear
    any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

    At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young
    couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal
    was completed the mother once again said "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"
    Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

    At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect
    and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother
    once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.

    The young lad once again said "Mommy I think..."

    "Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.

    "I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night,
    he got my model plane glue instead."



    Regards
    George
    First line of defense , my faithful Pit - don't mess with Mr. Kane !

    Lovin' it here in N. Ga - I wasn't born here , but I got here as fast as I could .

  2. #2
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    everyone brings happiness, some by staying and some by leaving...

    And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

    Bob.

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    "1964 - The first government report regarding the dangers of cigarette smoking
    was issued by the U.S. Surgeon General, Luther Terry."

    My very sincere thanks go to this US Surgeon General and his research team. This report - a report based on scientific investigation and not mere opinion - hit me in the lungs and kept on bashing me until I managed to stub out my last cigarette in December 1973. In 2011 I had to consult a cardiologist about forcing open three clogged heart arteries. An orthopaedic surgeon friend of mine reckoned this might have been the belated result of my smoking habit.

    The observant ones among the followers of this website might have noticed that I am still alive, most likely because my tobacco habit was allowed to die.

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    An Old farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on the door
    and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the
    door.
    He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked "would you like to
    buy some peaches?"

    She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and ask "are they as firm as
    this?"

    He nodded his head and said, "yes" and a little tear ran from his eye.

    Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking "are they nice
    and pink like this?"

    The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye.

    Then lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "are they as
    fuzzy as this?"

    He again said "yes" and broke down crying.

    The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?"

    Drying his eyes he said, "the drought got my corn, the flood got my
    cotton, and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

  6. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Don Luigi View Post
    "1964 - The first government report regarding the dangers of cigarette smoking
    was issued by the U.S. Surgeon General, Luther Terry."

    My very sincere thanks go to this US Surgeon General and his research team. This report - a report based on scientific investigation and not mere opinion - hit me in the lungs and kept on bashing me until I managed to stub out my last cigarette in December 1973. In 2011 I had to consult a cardiologist about forcing open three clogged heart arteries. An orthopaedic surgeon friend of mine reckoned this might have been the belated result of my smoking habit.

    The observant ones among the followers of this website might have noticed that I am still alive, most likely because my tobacco habit was allowed to die.
    Not only noticed that you're "still alive" but also glad you're here with us.......we're happy to have ya with us amigo.
    WendyZXZ, hogg, Injunbro and 2 others like this.
    After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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    Name:  SignDoNotServeWomen.jpg
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    After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

    The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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    I'm Mr Bad Example, take a look at me.

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    ^^^^ wow.... if she wasn't leaning against that tree, I doubt she could remain upright on her feet for very long.

    But on serious a note.. that young lady probably has no idea of the neck and back issues that are sure to come.

    It reminds me of my former sister-in-law who was in an auto accident and injured her neck. After more than a year her injury continued to bother her and her orthopedic surgeon was stumped because as far as he could see in her neck MRI, it was healed.

    Finally he suggested that cause might be in fact due to the strain being placed on her neck by the contents of her (as she called it) "over the shoulder boulder holder"... she was a "gifted" lass.

    She underwent breast reduction surgery and her neck issue disappeared.
    Last edited by gunhacker; 01-11-2017 at 03:37 PM.
    Conrad


    NRA Endowment Member
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    Hopeless lifetime S&W Junkie
    Chronic "Marlinitis" sufferer

    Political correctness: The doctrine fostered by the delusional liberals or the naïve, which attempts to promote the ideology that a turd is something that can be picked up and safely handled from the clean end.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bearcat6 View Post
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    Where did you find the pic of my exwife?
    Oldgungeezer likes this.
    Steve


 

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