It's finally Friday , need a laugh ?
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Thread: It's finally Friday , need a laugh ?

  1. #1
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    It's finally Friday , need a laugh ?

    This Day in History

    1910
    Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), author of the novel Huckleberry Finn, died at the age of 74.

    1995
    Timothy McVeigh was arrested in connection with the Oklahoma City bombing.




    Former NFL player Titus Young was sentenced to four years in prison. Young said
    he’s sad to go to prison but happy to be reunited with his old teammates.




    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.
    The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

    The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.




    After hearing a stirring sermon about lies and deceit, a man wrote the IRS: "I have been
    unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I have reviewed my
    taxable income and have enclosed a check for $900.

    If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."




    "Darn!" the man said to his friend while weighing himself at the local drug store scale,
    "I started on a new diet but the scale says I'm heavier than I was before."

    Turning to his friend, he said, "Here, hold my jacket."

    The scale still indicated that he had not lost any weight.

    "OK," he said to his friend. "Hold my Twinkies."




    Jose and Carlos are panhandlers in Atlanta ......

    They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose
    but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

    Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage
    free house and has a lot of money to spend.

    Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home
    a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?"

    Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

    Carlos sign reads: 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.'

    Jose says "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

    Carlos says "So what does your sign say?"

    Jose shows Carlos his sign... It reads : 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico '



    Regards
    George
    DavidWJ, 1av8r, jonesy814 and 17 others like this.
    First line of defense , my faithful Pit - don't mess with Mr. Kane !

    Lovin' it here in N. Ga - I wasn't born here , but I got here as fast as I could .

  2. #2
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    A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
    The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."

  3. #3
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    Thanks guys!!!
    Oldgungeezer likes this.
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  5. #4
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    Southern Divorce.... Priceless!
    A judge was interviewing a Georgia woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

    "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."



    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"



    "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.



    "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"



    "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."



    The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"



    "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."



    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"



    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap crap -but we can't seem to do anything about it."



    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"



    "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."



    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
    "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?


    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
    The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++


    TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS
    1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
    2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
    4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
    5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

    DINING OUT
    1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
    2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE
    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

    1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago'
    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    WEDDINGS
    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
    5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE
    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

    TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:
    1. All the DNA is the same.
    2.There are no dental records

    WendyZXZ, DavidWJ, 1av8r and 8 others like this.
    Guy

    S&WCA #2629 | Ex-Navy Vietnam Vet. / Submariner | NRA Member | S&W Historical Foundation


  6. #5
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    "If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under"..........Ronald Reagan

  7. #6
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    I'm Mr Bad Example, take a look at me.

  8. #7
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    Weevil laugh ourselves out of breath if you keep on posting these stories
    Oldgungeezer likes this.

  9. #8
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    Chuck
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  10. #9
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    Thanks to Guy, I will leave the cooler at home on Sunday.


 

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